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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Jesi's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, July 24th, 2002
2:56 pm
Toughts of nothing
Feel as if now god
You're not as cool as you fucking seem
Leave and fuck the whore
Fuck her good Fuck her like i would
I hope she gets fucking torn
You fucking asshole
I've done all I fucking could

Touths fo suicide
where is your love now
cut wrists blood drip is all you'll find
after you fucked the whore
drugs, wards, constant wars
I hope you fucking die
Stupid fucking god You damned bastard
Why should I fucking Cry?

Thoughts of love
exspecaily when push comes to shove
where you've been the hour
Ddin't you fuck the whore?
hit me you fucking coward
red fists meet blackend eyes
puss pouring out of styes
darkened fears cry blue tears

thoughts of hate
aren't they bliss
1 gun, 1 bullet
What are the chances?
lets play russian rullet
fully loaded you fucking white nigger
suck on the end that'll cum lead
when you slip the trigger



Sick, Tired, Hungry.
dead child.
Sick, Tired, Hungry.
fucking whore.
2:55 pm
"IF you feel that you just might want me, Thats to bad, I'm not that easy...."
I feel my brain ready to brust in my skull as i think and ponder what if????
What if this????
What if that????
Then I feel the only if's coming in.....
Only if that happened....
Only if this happened....
Then I realized that you can't change the past....
And the present is to hard to be in without looking forward to the future...
Now I start to realize the concept of what Im triing to do....
What if this Happens????
What if that happens????
Only if we could do this....
Only if we could do that....
Why am I doing this to myself already????
I barely know you....

Current Mood: hopeful
11:26 am
*Yawns.......ahhhhhh*
I know this is going to surprise you all....But I'm back. yuper. This josurnal has too much of past to let it go....:(.....i would be sad if i did....And i think I would have been stupid. Oh well I didn't delete it did I?

So how has everyone been that i haven't talked to? I could be better but thats all problems with stupid back stabbing guys form up north that i fell deeply in love with and then he wanted to use me. Well fuck you, Mike. But I have met new people and made new friends.

Yesterday yes the bestest day i have had in so god damned long. I went to lansing with my Wonderfullness Kara. And i got to meet her boyfirend and her cousin....:). Needless to say, me and her cousin hit it off pretty good, i geuss. Or maybe you could say great? I dunno. But listened to music and cuddled, and.....well the rest is personal. But I had a great time. I can't wait to go again because I like on how sweet and nice and woarm he is when i'm next to him, I'm sadden right now :(.

Otherwise......jack shit has been up. So I've been being my lazy self al over again.

But I've been homealone for the past 4 days so i have to clean it befor they get home. But bye bye.....miss you....

Current Mood: I jus woke up....
11:26 am
*Yawns.......ahhhhhh*
I know this is going to surprise you all....But I'm back. yuper. This josurnal has too much of past to let it go....:(.....i would be sad if i did....And i think I would have been stupid. Oh well I didn't delete it did I?

So how has everyone been that i haven't talked to? I could be better but thats all problems with stupid back stabbing guys form up north that i fell deeply in love with and then he wanted to use me. Well fuck you, Mike. But I have met new people and made new friends.

Yesterday yes the bestest day i have had in so god damned long. I went to lansing with my Wonderfullness Kara. And i got to meet her boyfirend and her cousin....:). Needless to say, me and her cousin hit it off pretty good, i geuss. Or maybe you could say great? I dunno. But listened to music and cuddled, and.....well the rest is personal. But I had a great time. I can't wait to go again because I like on how sweet and nice and woarm he is when i'm next to him, I'm sadden right now :(.

Otherwise......jack shit has been up. So I've been being my lazy self al over again.

But I've been homealone for the past 4 days so i have to clean it befor they get home. But bye bye.....miss you....

Current Mood: I jus woke up....
Thursday, May 16th, 2002
6:08 pm
sorry to do this to you guys.....but i moved

this one will stay for a few day till i get all my friends on my new on but its....

xemoxpunkx

enjoy it...
Tuesday, May 14th, 2002
3:14 pm
I'm so in love....
With someone I cna't have....
Why???
I'm going to get hurt...
Sunday, May 12th, 2002
12:04 pm
i think.....
I love you.....
Tuesday, April 30th, 2002
12:50 pm
the pain of today
today....
today is the dady that i realized that my analogy of being yourself gets you farther in life and you ware more specail to people...
Today is also the day that i find out something totally unexpected...
and i wish it weren't true...
I feel as if it is my fault...
But why would it be...
I haven't seen that certain person in 3 months.....
Sometimes i wish i were in a hole all by my self...
just sitting there....
with no one there ot bug me....
why do some people always have to irriate you in there own special why?
oh why why today?

Current Mood: ecstatic
Wednesday, April 24th, 2002
7:26 am
I wish I were a mannequin....
I wish I were home with the dogs
Typing away at the little keys on the computer....
Maybe i should try staying home some time to see waht happens
between my and daddy.

Things are not going so smoothly... Dad amasingly stood up for me last night in a fight with barb and gave up the hockey game for me! No fucking way....And he also gave me 15 dollars to go to ichthus too, Big fucking whoop but at least i got some money, even tough he sitll didn't leave lunch money for me, so now that 15 goes to a 14 becaseu i ahve to get the Deit coke of the day....this losing weight thing is prety hard when the weather is fucking up like this so i can't RUN! Grr I need ot run, do intialy want to but NEED to. Then I get all these gay ass people that say I look fine and if i loose wieght they are going to too.....Fuck off. I need to loose some guys, weather you think so or not.
Tonight I take off to Ohio to go to Kentucky the next day and then I get to listen to christian music the whole time, actually I've been getting to kown a few of them and they don't sound like christian, oooo no buddy...But i can't wait to see 1000 foot krutch because they are kick ass. Could lyou picture a christain rock band that has pricings and tattoos all over thier bodies and play stuff liek Left did....I DON'T EVEN WANNA FUCKING HEAR ABOUT THE SHOW ON SATURDAY.....jsut my luck damnit....there is a show of left and i'm not goingot be here......Fucking twinkies...But I should go and pratice my espanol....bye bye
Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002
6:37 pm
bummer...
anyone that wants to be really nice and have pity on me can burn me the Glassjaw Cd because my little brother just broke mine......grrrr....

PLEASE.......GLASSJAW......everything you need ot know about scilence....

Jesi
7:37 am
lonely lonely hate
I don't really ahve time to paste anything spectacular....
But i think this would have to do for you to know that i am still alive...
Saturday, April 6th, 2002
6:06 pm
those fuckers.....
my dad wont let me go to the show tonight :( bummer.....

maybe it is for my good and saftey, and maybe he knows im triing to quit smoking......maybe it was for my good....


(Insert your choice of 'knocking sense into me' here)

Current Mood: pissed off
Tuesday, April 2nd, 2002
8:08 pm
breath in and out, in and out, in and out, now think about a far away place.....
AKIN



You tore me out of the hole I live in...
I don't understand what for.
You pulled me into this wicked creation...
I don't understand what for.
You deliberately made me perfunctorily...
I don't understand what for.
You constantly throw me around this unkempt creation...
I don't understand why you play me?
Yuo haggarded, Repelling creature.
Oh no, I am akin.
You caricature my dignity...
I don't understand what for.
You fuck around with my head, for I am in misery...
I don't understand what for.
You abandoned me in this, this so wicked creation...
I don't understand why you stainewd me with crimson?
You frustrated, hating creature.
Oh no, I am akin.
I don't need you to tell me what to do, please forgive me...
I don't understand what for.
I'm sorry, but this confession is all, you need a lesson...
I don't understand what for.
I can't stand this luaghter, this monster, this horror...
I don't understand what for.
I'm never going to let you use me as a whole, I will never leave my hole...
Idont' understand why you brought me here?
You faded, deciving creature.
Oh no, I am akin.



Rejection



I don't feel so hot...
I have a bad feeling in my stomach.
This pounding in my head need to stop,
My eyes wont stop twicthing. (I wish you wuld help me)
I cna barely walk..
This feeling in my body is sicking.
Can you explain this sudden sickness?
Why do I feel this way? (I feel so...)
My world is spinning to fast. (sick)
It's makinfg me dizzy. (Help me on my feet again)
Won't you help me put this sickness in the past? (this sickness)
Maybe it's rejection that I feel...(from the only one I love)
No one understands how or who I can be.
I haven't talked to you lately (why won't you call)
You don't even want to see me, let alone cure me,
or even care for me.
Why do I feel this why? (I'm so sick)
My world is spinning too fast (I can't escape)
It's making me so dizzy (still you don't care)
Why wont you hellp me put this sickness in the past? (can you please)
XXXX (help me, help me escape this fucken sickness in my head)
Why should I feel this way? (I'm so sick)
My world is spinning way to fast... ( pelase help me)
It's making me dizzy (enough to where I can't walk)
Can't you help me put this god damned sickness in the past? (please)
My world is fading slowly...
(help me, help me escape this sickness, escape this fucken sickness in my head)
I see you last and yet you don't care I'm dieing
I tell you I love you and please don't forget me,
Can't you seeing I'm criing?
Why do you just stand there laughing in my face?
Please help me because I'm dieing.

MY WORLD



I really fucked up this time
This world is full of shit
Why did I make this choice
I'm telling you it sux ass in this pit
I try so hard to get out
But I fail so much
Maybe I shouldn't pout
I remember what you told me when I was a child
"If I mess up try, try harder"
That what I'm going to do
But if I fail I am farther
I try so hard to get out
I'm telling you it sux ass in this pit
Why did I male this choice
This world is full of shit
I really fucked up this time

Your creation



I sit here constantly and think of you
I think of all the misery I have went trough
may life was twisted around dramatically
all i remember now is you used to call me your majesty
but now you have me in your captivity, securely
so I can't get out of this calamity
here I am in your possiesion
I am your obssesion
I am your emotion
I am your passion
I am your suffaction
All I am is your creation, I am your creation.
All you wanna do is sit there and wacth me disinagrate
I try to please you with all this hate
You stare in my eyes but hesitate
I have on wish, that is to mutilate
but my fate has just opened another gate
I run awat from you with a killing fear, I wish you sould relate.
Here I am in you possiesion
I am your obssesion
I am your emotion
I am your passion
I am you suffication
All I am is your creation, I am your creation.
Just as soon as I'm out of the cage, I know my time has come to leave.
When I see you stnad behind me in disbelief, I fell a great sigh of relief
Now that i have actullay acieved what I wanted, it's so hard to not belief,
that you don't have another trick up that sleave.
Monday, April 1st, 2002
2:06 pm
hmm.....
i promised myslef i wouldn't do this anymore but i wish i was cute and other people tought so....the day before yesterday i felt extreamly accomplished and i got 5 complements but i think they were pity complements....kara told me i ws hot then tay b. told me i as hot then karas mom told me i was gorgous (she was drunk) adam told me he still wanted to have one full night of non-stop sex. and then someone from this one chruch said that i was cute.....but i was dressed up as a bunny.
every now and then i'm still refered to as bunny, form 4:20 last year. me and kara. teala dosen't hang out with us now otherwise she would be to.
don't you hate it when people don't talk to you for a while and then out of the fucking blue they start to bitch at you for no god damned reason.....sean will you explian that? and would so guys try to explain to me that when i try to get you attention or i try to do nice things for you you guys somtimes ignore it? and why do guys get turned on by bi chics? will you tell me why i do to? and why i had so much fun on saturday night? if anyone has any of these answers please......i love you guys...
Wednesday, March 27th, 2002
12:15 pm
oer cooked macaroni and cheese
is gross......






p.s. ben is hot.....
12:07 pm
life, death, hate...
life, i don't deserve
death, shoudl be my only option
hate, for myself, self respect i lack
unworthy of my life
feelings of suicide
hate that i have for my father
hatered that grows
uneatrelabel
pain i feel
want to stop the pain
sickness
depression
life, death, hate.....



i found this poem really bothering, it was complments of seth...(unable to give last name for enable reasons) the pain that this world produces now a days is wrongly layed on the new generation...if only they would understand...

Current Mood: disappointed
Tuesday, March 19th, 2002
10:45 am
hey i disappered
hey eveyone....i dissapered for a while didn't i......and this damn shift button ain't working god damnit.....so how is everyone....i could be better, the search still goes on.....looking for a boyfrined......i can find one but the one guy i'm talking to is kinda wierd....oh well....i can't wait till i get to get out of school.....not that i am doing anything specail....i jsut don't want to be here becaseu it sucks in here....i wanna go home and sleeppp.......well nothing is new and nothign happened latly....but hey if you missed me let me know....i'll let ya know if i missed you.....
Friday, March 1st, 2002
10:31 am
Well Well Well I didn't end up going to the shows this past weekend which sucks my ass....But this weekend should be a fun one....hopefully....I'm goginto the torment show....yeah...tonight i hope to go snowboarding......andsunday I get to go to the movies with some youth group....yeah....alst ngiht i triied to call Steve and i got their house but steve wasn't home and his brother picked up and we talked for a fucking hour...I talked to someoen i never knew on the phone ...oh well....butI hav eto do a speech....What in the ehll should i do it on....Give me some kinda idea here....Should I do it on spam or should i do it on how mc donalds food isn't really food.....WEll that's my opinion...I HSOLD DO IT ON SOMEONE ELSES FUNNY ADVEWNTURE.......hahaha haha ahah......anyone have a stupid ass adventure aht atthey would lke me to tell my class of 14???I already told them abotu the time me adn my friend were walking on the road at midnight so thats a no....(if you want more detail about that then ask me) and I already did a speech on the haustned hosue and the time i ran into the wall and I already did a speech of the differences between Incucbus, Glassjaw, and Sublime....Oh well I will figure it put...But help me!!!! I hate schoolllll...but yesterday was another one of those fucked up days becaseu the Mary Dudek chic died....:( I was an accentance of her....I had to run a pray service fro her yesterday...To see everyone criing jsut tore me up...Then my dad came home adn told me that he tore her apart peoce by piece now what kinda father would come and blame you about that shit? Get a fucking life....So i got pissed off and took off running for 2 miles agian....After heather, then micheal then Jordon...now another girl...a freashman....But i have to go amasingly befor the bell rings...Oh hey I'm gognot try to get tickets to the glassjaw tour....anyone want to go?
Friday, February 22nd, 2002
5:23 pm
Life is full of surprises.....
Ins't it funny how life has it's ups and downs......


TO those that i promised that i wold be at those show this weekend.....Sorry.....Life sucks and my own mother doesn't want me or she doesn't want to see me.....ha....so now i 'm going to go up north and snowboard my ass off.....oh yeah i don't really need a boyfrined (to those that think i'm desprete) I just want one....lol.....bye

Current Mood: rejected
Thursday, February 21st, 2002
9:16 am
Hola
Saqpnish is gay....I 'm so sick of it...I was just in it and i fell asleep it was so boring.....hmmm....I took 3 caffine pills this morning and i still slept, will anyone explain that to me? Oh well.....Maybe it is a sing not to take drugs....Maybe i should take that sing and use it......Aw fuck the sign....what would llife be like with out a little fun? I also hate science i'm sitting in the libaray becaseu of it.....I wasn't here for a teast and the damned teacher sent me out...Okay this past weekend was as weird as hell.....I went ot new york and met this guy adn we talked for a good 3 hours about how life sucks then he jsut jumped and kissed me wierd uh? OH well....THen we played palystation till 3 in the morning....which was fun....then the next day i went skiing on a BIG mountian....lol....and i seen this snowboarder hit a ice chunk and i laughed then stupid me goes right in his tracks and then my ski flyes of and i go rolling down the hill....lol....then a kid came up to me with my ski and laughed at me...I wanted to hurt him so bad! Oh well TIme is going by so god damned slow.....I'm supposed tomet someone soon...and i'm goingot the torment show on the 2nd....cd realaese...hell yeah....and i'm goingot the show on saturday....and i'm also goingot the red eye on friday night....fi anyone wants to see me, come and see me.....But i should go and see what the world is up to now a days (it's about time i actually catch up with things) But i love you all for wasting your percious time to read this....your so sweet...if you did read this....comment on this.....
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